These past few months have given me a good reason to be MIA from writing, though I still wish I'd found the time. I took four classes, one of which was a writing class, and on the rare moments that I wasn't consumed by schoolwork, parenting or cleaning my house, you could find me lying comatose on the couch, drooling while watching mindless television. Don't judge. This happened approximately three minutes per week.
And yet now I am looking back over the past two months and I really can't believe that I didn't write any record of any of it, because about a billion things happened and to try to catch up would just be impossible. I want to write a little about this pregnancy since I have completely neglected to write anything down this time around. I'm starting to feel bad that I wrote novels about Ella's pregnancy and mum about this one. We discovered we were pregnant (ok, *I* was pregnant) on December 21st. I tested at night, on a whim, after having that pregnancy vibe for about a week. Even though those two beautiful lines were clear as day, it took a long time for me to accept this pregnancy as a reality. And even as I write that, I realize how much more often I called this my "pregnancy" verses my "baby" earlier on, since it just is hard to fully surrender to the reality of a healthy baby after losing a tiny one.
I called my mom within a day or two, and told her over the phone. She and I then shared with the rest of my fam on an individual basis. I just didn't want to make some big Christmas announcement and have to remember it like I do with our baby announcement at Ella's birthday party last year. In a similar vein, we shared with Stephen's mom and brother on Christmas Eve but kept from telling everyone as we didn't want to create any memories that would end up being sad. It seems really depressing now, since baby is healthy and growing just fabulously, but at that point I just wasn't ready to believe it was really going to happen. We were very much proceeding with caution. The family all knew by New Years and a few friends found out over the next few weeks but really, we guarded our little secret until ten weeks, when we finally found the hope and trust we needed to believe that baby was real.
We also went through a few panic moments earlier in the pregnancy. One day, I was just convinced that baby was gone. My symptoms were gone and I thought for sure it was happening again. So, we went in for an ultrasound at just shy of 8 weeks, and I was blown away by the sweet sight of that little heart beating on the screen. My baby was real. And I was in love. I had an ultrasound about five days later, because it had already been scheduled before my panic moment. I could have cancelled it but passing up another opportunity to see that sweet baby thriving was too hard to do!
Not long after that, I awoke in the morning to some bleeding and clotting. It's so funny in retrospect. I was freaking out at first, crying to Stephen and my mom on the phone. Mom came over, I got ready to go in for an ultrasound to confirm a miscarriage, Stephen flew home from work so he could join me, and in the midst of all of that I had this crazy peace overtake me and I knew. I knew that somehow, bleeding aside, baby was ok. And baby WAS ok. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, meaning that some bleeding had occurred likely when baby's little egg implanted in my uterine wall, and had become trapped between the egg and the wall. Now that baby was growing, the blood was being pushed out. This comes with a slight risk of complications, but we just knew that things would be ok. And they were. A future ultrasound showed that the blood they'd found previously was gone, and baby was no longer at risk.
Not only did we have these pregnancy scares and apprehensions, but I was sick all the time during the first trimester (which coincided with my insane school term almost exactly). I had the same nausea I'd had with Ella, with the added pleasure of awful stomach acid up til about 10 weeks. I also got the stomach flu for a few days and three separate head colds, one of which lasted for a solid 14 days. All the while, homework was piling up and I was exhausted. Thankfully, though everything difficult was happening at once, it all got easier at about the same time too. My nausea completely subsided by week 15, and had started getting lighter by week 11 or 12. I survived finals week during my 16th week of pregnancy (and got straight A's last term!!!) and spring showed up after what felt like a the longest winter of my life. I should add that spring has been pretty awful, with a record amount of rain for the month of March. But at least the flowers are blooming, I don't feel like puking every two minutes or sleeping until my due date and I'm taking a few terms off so I'm home with my girl. Call it my own personal springtime, despite the rain. ;)
The second trimester has been delightful. It's different than the first time around. I felt baby earlier. People can call me crazy but I felt little flutters during my 10th week, and no, it wasn't gas. Flutters grew into taps by week 13 and full on suckerpunches starting this week (18). This baby also burrows. I've been able to feel baby balled up at the top, bottom or either side of my uterus since about week 12. It's this strange heavy feeling, especially when it's at the bottom. I told Stephen it kind of feels like when you're on an elevator or a plane and you get that pit in your gut like your stomach is being sucked out from underneath you. Very strange, especially if it happens while I'm walking! I've gotten used to poking and prodding a bit to get baby to move into a more comfy position. Well, more comfy for me, that is. I'm sure baby was just fine. :)
I also grew earlier. Like, two seconds after I was pregnant. I compared pics of me at 18 weeks with Ella to ones I took this week. Yeah... it's a lot bigger. My belly compares more with the size it was in my photos at 25-30 weeks with Ella. Based on this rate of growth, I'm a little scared for the 3rd trimester. Hah! I already looked at photos taken at 35/36 weeks with Ella (just before I gave birth at 36 weeks, 4 days) and I was scary giant. I may need my own time zone for this one, especially if I go to 40 weeks. That's the beauty of being short- there's nowhere to go but straight out!
And that's another thing- it is HARD to find maternity clothes in petite lengths. I don't know if they think short people don't get pregnant or what. But it's like most maternity clothes are made for people 6 inches taller than I am. I don't get it. I needed maternity clothes a lot sooner this time around, too, and winter maternity stuff is hard to find and not super comfy. Everyone always tells me how awful it is to be pregnant in the summer and how unlucky I am to be due in August again, but I gotta say- summer pregnancy kind of rocks. There is nothing more comfy than little cotton dresses and super stretchy capri leggings. And the flip flops! Ahhh.... can you hear me sighing contentedly? Cuz I totally am. I couldn't be happier to be due again in August. AND it means another summer birthday party! I can't wait. My only prayer is that I get a week on either side of Ella's birthday, just so each kiddo can have their own birthday time. And since a week after Ella's birthday is August 29th, a day AFTER my due date, I'm gonna go ahead and hope baby is at least a week EARLY and not the other direction. :)
But stop me before I get too ahead of myself, because before the birth there's still plenty to do and a big surprise in store. On Tuesday, April 12th, we'll discover more about who this baby is. Do we have a son? Do we have another daughter? I can't wait to find out! Everyone is saying it's a boy, but I suspect that's because we already have a girl. My first gut instinct was girl, but now with all these boy predictions I'm wondering if they're right. I don't care either way, but it's killing me not knowing! Is this the time that I get to say we have a son? Is this the time that Stephen has a boy to wrestle and play ball with? Or is this the time that we tell Ella she has a sister? Will we dig out her baby clothes that we packed up every time she grew out of yet another size and have another chance to see a tiny girl in them?
Either way, the main thing that has me marveling is how we've learned to trust and hope again through this baby's growth. I was so scared after our loss that we'd never have another baby. Even knowing how common miscarriage is, I don't think there are many women who can feel complete confidence after a loss and don't worry that maybe something is wrong with her. But learning to let go of the fears and trust in the One who gives and takes away has been sweet after the sorrow. I feel this baby kick and move and I KNOW that He is good. And even when we lost the baby that we'll never get to hold this side of eternity, we knew that He was good. I am so grateful for His gifts but I don't feel immune to loss and pain. I rest in this time with my growing baby, though, knowing that He has been whispering trust and hope to us. We will hold our baby this time. I know it. I'm so in love!
