Today, I am 34 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Lukas Jameson will come crashing into our lives sometime in the next 5 weeks and it is hard to believe how quickly, and how slowly, this process has been. The thought that we could be mere weeks from meeting our fourth family member has me shaking with anticipation and completely in shock at how quickly this has come about. And yet, I think back to when I found out I was pregnant, just before Christmas; I think back to the first trimester, which coincided with winter term of school, and that seems like an entirely different lifetime. That is pregnancy: the fastest and slowest 40 weeks of your life.
It still amazes me, the contrast between Ella's pregnancy and this one. I spent the whole time dreaming of being a mom the first time around, as I could only imagine what it would be like to have a baby. This time I AM a mom and I've spent the entire time making pb&j sandwiches, getting entirely too little sleep, folding pink shirts that go inside a yellow dresser, playing hopscotch, potty training, dancing along to Barney and dressing up in cowgirl hats and princess crowns. It is only in the quiet moments, typically just after Ella goes to bed, that I sit and spend time with Lukas, though he fills every spare thought throughout each day.It is not a love less fierce, but it is a love that must be shared,and figuring out how to do that has been strange but wonderful. I think it will be somewhat unfathomable until I see him, until I know who he is, but the point is that now I know I can love him like I love Ella. Because I already do, as much as is possible without seeing him. He's become a part of my body, a part of my life, a part of me, and I am in love.
Ella has spent the last year of her life rapidly turning into a little girl. In some ways, I am grateful, though it's stung as well.It helps me to know that she will have her own identity, her own age group, her own place in our family. I will not have two babies. I will have a little girl and a baby boy. Earlier this year, I thought to myself, wouldn't it be great to tackle a few of these "growing up" issues with Ella before Lukas is born? Can't we ditch the binky, transition to a big girl bed, work on potty training, and all before August? The tasks seemed daunting but my girl blew me away with her flexibility and adaptability. The big girl bed came in March. Never did I mention that she needed to ditch the crib, nor did I bring up the fact that Lukas would be using it. I just shared in her excitement at being a "big girl" and she relished the opportunity to step into something new and exciting. She took to it the very first night and never looked back. A few months later, we launched a calculated attack on the the bink and it was gone within a week, much to our relief. She adjusted incredibly well, though I won't say she tackled this particular goal with the same zeal as she had with her bed. Regardless, one week for a bink addict to ditch the habit had me amazed at her ability to adapt.
Finally, the big one: potty training. We tried a bout in April, to no avail. She needed a break, and I was more than happy to oblige. As a matter of fact, I obliged a little too generously, and it wasn't until Stephen caught the vision in late June that we decided to give it another go. We started on June 27th and learned the secret to success a few very messy days later: let her run around naked. A very refined method, sure... but it worked and we never looked back. We also put her frog potty chair in the living room as a reminder for her, and after she got that down pat at home (which only took 3 or 4 days), we started slowly working toward a more traditional approach to the potty. Loose pants, no panties for a few days. Then panties and pants. Somewhere in there, we moved the frog potty into the bathroom and once she got used to running in there, we switched to a step-stool and one of those potty seats that sits on the actual toilet. She took to it like a champ.
Somewhere during week two we started venturing out of the house diaper-free, and after a few flops, it was as though a lightbulb clicked. Now, here we are, 3 weeks later and we haven't used a diaper in a week, even at night. There are still accidents but we just deal with them. Never do we just grab a diaper as a response to an accident anymore, and I've got half a pack of size 4s that I think we may not ever have to touch again. IT FEELS AMAZING. And somewhere in the bink-ditching, bed-embracing, diaper-freeing moments of the last several months, my baby started to seem less and less like a baby. I have watched her embrace her brother in ways I couldn't imagine, either. Her total confusion grew into mild curiosity and then into full-blown love as she watched my belly swell and change these past several months. Now she talks to Lukas, hugging my stomach often and calling him "my Lukas". She tells me, "Mom, Lukas will cry a lot, because he's a baby. But mom, he'll also sleep and eat and I can hold him. And he'll be cute and someday he'll get bigger and we can play!"
I totally get that her connection to him is limited to my belly right now, and the actual incorporating of a brother into her life may not be all puppies and sunshine, but it gives me such hope. She already wants to help me, to love him, to share with him. She's always had very natural maternal instincts and I can't wait to see that play out. I was two weeks shy of three when my brother was born and I can't remember any jealousy or rough transitions as he became part of our family. I only remember my Mom telling me how much she needed me to help take care of him, and feeling this fierce, protective love from the first time I saw him. It's still there today. I hope and pray the same is true for Ella and Lukas. I hope she never feels threatened but always knows how proud we are of her and how much she is wanted and needed as a part of this family.
And here I am, about to have a baby, and still talking about my girl. What can I say? She's been our whole world. I still get hit with these moments of absolute shock when I realize this is really happening. We're having another child. Lukas' baby shower was on Sunday (it rained absolute buckets, in the middle of July) and things started to hit home for us then. Opening tiny packs of diapers, setting up his crib set, beginning to pack his diaper bag for the hospital... oh, my. We're having a baby. How did I spend nine months living and breathing this with Ella, only to find myself 5 weeks from my due date and feeling completely caught off guard this time? Stephen set up the small pack'n'play tonight, which we'll be using in our bedroom until he's ready to transition to the crib. We've made a list on the fridge of all the things we needed to organize, tackle, accomplish before Lukas is born and it's getting shorter every day.
It has helped that Stephen was laid off the last week of May, though I'm not saying that was an ideal situation. He continues to look for a job, but I am not-so-secretly hoping that at this point, the job opportunity waits until September to present itself. We've managed financially, though we're starting to get behind, and I cannot express how incredible it has been to have Stephen home during this last season before Lukas comes. He has tackled numerous household projects and helped me in my quest to organize every nook and cranny of our home. (Nesting hit me with a beastly ferocity a few months ago and has yet to relinquish its' grip.) Not to mention, we've been able to spend oodles of time together as a family, something we'd been craving for a long time as he's worked very hard without a single day off for family in the past year.
It seems like we should have panicked, a single-income family suddenly without work, with a small child and a baby on the way. But from the moment Stephen called me to tell me he'd been laid off, we both felt a huge sense of peace. I do not think this was an attack. I think this was a breather, a transitional season, a blessing in disguise. I am not naive to the fact that we need income, and fast... but we've been creative and resourceful and just downright BLESSED these past two months, and I believe my God can do that for the next two months as well. It doesn't mean we don't try, it doesn't mean he doesn't apply or give up the hunt or settle into a sedentary lifestyle, but it does mean that we don't worry, we don't fret, we don't complain and we don't give in to fear. And it doesn't mean I can't hope that my husband can stay home and enjoy the first few weeks with our son before getting back to the grind. There's no way he could have taken any time off at his last job. If God is providing time for our family to be a family, then I trust He will provide a job at the right time as well, and the resources to stay afloat in the meantime. Yes and amen.
Well, I've done my usual... put off writing for months and then spill out my soul regarding an overwhelming number of topics as though I've been holding my breath for months and finally have the chance to breathe. Consistency with habits has never been a strong suit of mine, but I do hope to be better at recording these life moments, big and small, for my own memory as well as to pass onto my children someday. I hope that, above all, as they read my words they will know that they are loved and adored. In these final weeks as a family of three, I am determined to cherish my daughter and anticipate my son as best I possibly can. It won't take much to accomplish this, as I am crazy in love with each and every person that makes up our little family. Even the ones I haven't met yet.
