loss

i don't know, it's like some moments i can almost forget about it. we can watch a movie or go see family and talk and laugh and act like everything is normal. but i feel like the sorrow is lurking inside, and just waiting for a quiet moment to hit. and then it's quiet, and it does hit, and i hate it. i'm afraid that i'm stifling it or not dealing with it, but i just don't know how to deal except to try to get back to normal.

i'm so incredibly grateful that baby was so small... not even visible. that would have broken me in half. it's not less of a person, or less of a loss, but it's helping me to cope, as weird as that sounds. i'll have to take this medicine to bring on a miscarriage, and that is what i am afraid of right now... going through the process. being constantly reminded. and i don't know what to expect. how long will it take? does it hurt? how much blood are we talking here?

and, of course, before i can get that stupid medicine i have to wait to hear the results of my blood test. they had to test me on wednesday, then again on friday, just to be doubly sure i hadn't conceived again in the last few weeks. they wouldn't want to bring on a miscarriage if there's a viable new pregnancy in there. and i don't know what to feel about that.

because of course i can't help but hope a little bit that we did, so i could have something to look forward to, but at the same time i feel selfish wanting that... wanting to "get over" this loss so quickly. i could almost pretend it didn't happen. i would never forget, and i would always know that truly, our second child is not going to be our next child we bring home from the hospital. our second child will always be the child we lost. but still, a chance for immediate happiness and hope sounds pretty wonderful right now.

and then, on the other hand, there's this knowledge that it's pretty much the slimmest chance on earth that i'm pregnant again, and i am going to have to wait for that phone call confirming my hcg levels are dropping, which means just another dashed hope and another painful experience. i just can't stop wishing this was all just over and behind me. i wish it was a year from now, when the pain wasn't fresh, and i could feel normal without that constant nag in the back of my head. will it even be like that in a year? i don't know. but i have to think so. NOT that i want to forget this child. i just want to feel normal again, i guess.

and then there's the question of, when do we try again? i mean, i don't want to wait. and i feel bad that i don't want to wait. because i KNOW that part of the reason i don't want to wait is because i'm desperate to be back in that place of joy and hope. but on the other hand, stephen and i have always prayed for a large, close family... 4 kids or more all within 2-3 years of each other. a loud, full house brimming with LIFE. do i let this loss change our dreams forever? do i hide behind fear and let it control our future? what about ella? she's so caring, so maternal with other small children, and SO incredibly ready to have a full time playmate. do i let my sorrow prolong this gift to her?

of course, none of this matters... all of these fears and "what ifs", because it's not us that will give ourselves a child. it's not us that will choose the right time. it's our Father, and we know that. i want to be open to His blessings in His timing. i just hope that it's soon, but i desperately hope that i don't use this next child, this THIRD child, as the happiness to wipe away the sorrow. that's not their job, and it's not my choice to make. our second child will always be a part of us, and i know that. our family won't quite be complete this side of heaven now, and i'm letting that sink in.

and i'm mad, too. i don't know who i'm mad at, but i'm mad. i'm mad at my body for once again not doing what it was supposed to do. it took nearly two years to conceive ella, and it was a long and painful process. this time, i was sure we were being blessed with an easy process as a reward for the long road we walked for ella. maybe reward isn't the right word, but it's all i can think of right now. anyway, not only did i lose this baby, but my BODY didn't seem to get the memo. here i am, thinking i'm nearly 12 weeks pregnant, almost a third of the way there... out of the woods, so to speak. i'm expecting to see a baby nearly the size of my thumb, with tiny fingers and toes. i'm expecting to find out the gender in 8 weeks, to begin planning showers and celebrations and dig out ella's baby swing and look at her tiny newborn clothes and count the days til we're feeding, changing, losing sleep and smiling through the exhaustion at the beautiful family we'd been given.

why, why, why didn't my body just do what it should have done? if the baby was gone so early, likely by 5 or 6 weeks, then why wouldn't by body just respond? almost the entire time i've known i was pregnant, the baby wasn't even there. and that makes me so upset. it just seems cruel, like kicking someone when they're down. even now, if i hadn't gone to the doctor last week, i'd be blissfully carrying on about my baby. of course, in the last week, things have felt different. my hormone levels have finally dropped far enough that most of my pregnancy symptoms are gone. i almost can say that i knew in some ways. i remember thinking a week ago, when i felt so much better, and had all my energy back, that maybe the sudden lack of symptoms wasn't a good sign. but then i remembered the long road to ella, and thought it was just a little blessing to make this pregnancy easier.

i hate to complain like this. i don't ever want to be one of those people who acts like i deserve good things, like i have the right to any good thing in this life, like any wonderful thing that i am given is because it was earned. because i know that every single breath is a gift, and that if we got what we truly deserved, we'd be dead. i don't want to act like i am special, or immune to loss or pain. but sometimes being strong, and putting that suzy sunshine smile on my face in the midst of pain just feels disingenuous. i know God can handle my anger, my pain... and love me anyway. and sometimes it just really helps to throw a little fit. so i'm mad. i don't know at who, but it's there, and i don't know how to deal with it except to yell and cry and ask WHY, even though i know i won't get an answer. and as i grieve, i also praise... because the loss of this child reminds me how incredibly grateful i am for a healthy and absolutely beautiful toddler, and at this point in life i am taking NOTHING for granted.