Resolution

This past February I embarked on a pretty intense weight loss adventure, and I had some real success. I didn't reach the long term goal I set for myself, but after 6 months and losing 45 pounds I needed to take a break (mentally, physically and financially, as I was on a program that required purchasing food). It wasn't long after I'd ventured back into the real food world that I found out I was pregnant. At that point I'd gained 5 pounds back, which I'd been told to expect as part of the process of adjusting to higher caloric intake again.

I felt great going into the pregnancy an entire 40 pounds lighter than when I'd begun my pregnancy with Ella, but by the time I was 11 weeks pregnant I'd gained 20 pounds. Talk about bursting my bubble. I could not figure out why on earth my body was gaining so quickly with this pregnancy- I only gained 15 pounds total with Ella, and all in the second and third trimesters. Of course, hindsight tells me now that the reason I was gaining was because I was happily giving in to any craving that would help soothe the nausea (which meant a whole lot of starchy, bland foods) but my body wasn't burning extra calories because I'd lost the baby early in the process. So, feeding a hormonally pregnant body that isn't actually burning calories like a truly pregnant body is, in a word, a disaster. Instead of feeding a calorie burning, baby making machine, it was more like 11 weeks of feeding my body carbs while it was chock full of PMS hormones. And we all know how easy it is for our bodies to wreak havoc during "that time."

So, along with the loss of my baby, I have this constant reminder in the form of 20 excess pounds. Not to mention, it's the holidays and I am avoiding the scale like the plague because I have a sneaking suspicion that the grief eating I was doing after the baby (not to a crazy extent, but I'll be honest- ordering a pizza was much easier than cooking when I was working through the initial grief process) coupled with the almost immediate launch into the holiday season has me worried it could be more than 20 pounds by now.

And I could just cry. Weight loss has never been easy for me. I WISH I could be one of those people who drops their Pepsi habit and loses 40 pounds in two months. But I don't have any habits like that to drop, and in order for me to see any actual loss on the scale requires some serious, long term low-cal eating. We're talking 1,200-1,500 calories a day, for MONTHS. It's not something I can commit to right now, either, because we're still hoping to grow our family soon. And that requires me growing as well. The thought just about bowls me over when I think about all of the hard work I put into losing 45 pounds- and it could literally mean nothing in terms of weight within the next few months. SIX MONTHS of eating 1,200 calories a day, only to see it all come back within a year.

I guess I'm writing this because I feel this inexplicable need to explain myself to someone. My weight loss was obvious- people notice when you lose 45 pounds. And people were cheering me on. Now, I feel like a walking failure. Even the people that know about the miscarriage might not really connect the weight gain to it. I can hardly spend time with people anymore without this constant voice in the back of my head telling me that they have got to be thinking I really flubbed things up. I know it doesn't matter to anyone else as much as it does to me, but I'm not one to take failure lightly, even when it's not my fault.

I also don't like feeling this way. My body feels big again. I'm surprised that I put up with it for as long as I did, because I'm not even as heavy as I was when I started losing weight last February but even at this size I cannot stand my body. It's awkward, hard to dress, tired more often, and everything is a tighter squeeze. I also have that all over feeling of puffiness, like a blimp. I really am resolved to lose this weight again, but the wait is really frustrating.

My husband (who is wonderful in a thousand ways) says he can hardly notice a difference. Of course, he said that even at my heaviest weight. It's kind of sweet but also kind of discouraging. I mean, when he tells me I look as good as when we got married, all I can think is, "Did I really look this bad when we got married? Because I would feel like a hippo trying to stuff this body into a cute little wedding dress right now." I can't tell if it's supposed to be a compliment for my body now, or a major insult to my body then. Of course, I know that he means it in a good way... but leave it to my mind to twist it around. I think I'd rather hear that my weight gain is somewhat noticeable than not at all. I sure would hate to think that I look the same 30 or 40 pounds lighter than I am now, so it has to be a two-way street.

I don't know. I don't even know why I'm writing about this, if not for my need to just get it off my chest and have SOMEONE know and understand that this is not the result of a total lack of discipline and love for truffles. And also, because writing about it makes it real, which means writing about my resolve to lose this weight again makes THAT real as well. It might not be right away. I hope to spend a good portion of the next year growing a healthy baby, which is far more important to me right now than my looks.

Basically, I have to surrender to the idea that my brief glimpse at serious weight loss was just that- a glimpse- and not a long term option at this point. Gee, my body (and my wallet) are SO thrilled about that. But a woman's birthing years are just not a great time to focus on losing weight. They're just not. I refuse to be one of those women who just gives up and lets myself go, but on the other hand, I have to give myself room to live in real life. And real life is about loss and gain, both of which I've experienced in more ways than one over the past year. So, I resolve more than anything to have grace for myself, to try not to care what others think, and to focus on my family more than myself, even at the expense of my body image. While others are likely resolving to lose weight, I'll resolve to be content, be patient, be kind to myself. I hope that doesn't make me sound weak, or like I'm making excuses. But I'd rather make a resolution I can keep, and at this point, that's the best I can do. There will be a year that my resolution to reach my goal weight WILL be achieved. I truly believe that, and I know I can do it. But it's not this year, and I have to be ok with that.